Legolas and His Mary Sues
by jedi-hobbit
Summary: The Fellowship spend some time in the Shire. Legolas finds the girl of his dreams, but it turns out to be thousands of them and he gets a wee bit frightened! The Fellowship has to find a way to destroy them! Read if you wanna read stupid pointless humor.
1. The Great Pit of Cheese

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they all belong to Tolkien. I respect him.  
  
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Legolas was trotting merrily in the woods of the Shire when suddenly a light shone above him. He saw in the light the most beautiful half-elf. As he stepped closed, getting a better view of the fair maiden, another half-elf, just as beautiful and perfect, popped up. Legolas stared at them, half confused and half amazed. Then another girl popped up and then another and another and suddenly there were thousands of them. Legolas suddenly became frightened. He turned and started to run. He looked back and saw that the beautiful perfect girls were all chasing after him. He fastened his pace. He stopped to rest and saw Bag End.   
  
"Gee, I hope Frodo or someone's in there." he ran to the door and knocked repeatedly on it. Frodo opened the door.   
  
"Oh Legolas, Come to..."  
  
"Move!!" Legolas pushed Frodo aside, ran in and slammed the door.   
  
Frodo gave him a scared look and backed away. Legolas darted his eyes around the room and discovered the whole Fellowship was there, including Boromir back from the dead! Then he heard the toilet flush and saw Gimli walking in zipping up his pants.   
  
"I sense something's wrong." Gandalf said.   
  
"They-they-they're after me!!" he ran to a corner and crawled into a ball.   
  
"Who's 'they'?" Gimli asked.   
  
Legolas whimpered and rocked back and forth in his corner.   
  
"Oh!" Pippin nodded. "Mary-Sues."   
  
"Ohh!" The rest said in unison.   
  
Then there was various knocks and pounds on the door.   
  
"IT'S THEM!!!" Legolas grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around himself. Frodo looked out the window and saw thousands of perfect girls.   
  
"There's Frodo!" one of them cried.   
  
"Frodo and Legolas? This is my lucky day!" another said with a high-pitched voice.   
  
"You better hide too Frodo." Merry said. "Curse your freakin' blue eyes."   
  
Frodo ran to Legolas's corner and took his blanket. Legolas grabbed it back and Frodo tried to get it back. They fought over the blanket for a while, then Sam stood up.   
  
"The Mary-Sues must be destroyed!" Legolas and Frodo stopped fighting and looked at Sam.   
  
"Well, they should. They have no right to stalk Mr. Frodo..."   
  
Legolas glared at Sam.   
  
"And Mr. Legolas like that. They need to go."   
  
Aragorn stood up and walked over to Sam.   
  
"Sam is right. The Mary-Sues must be destroyed. But there is only one way to do it."  
  
Gandalf went over to Aragorn's side.   
  
"Aragorn is...also right. The Mary-Sues can only be destroyed by...falling into The Pit of Cheese."   
  
Boromir got up. His chest began to spurt blood again so Merry handed him some cloth to stick on his wound.   
  
"The Great Pit of Cheese! The Swiss Gates are swissy! Who knows what lies ahead after you get passed the gates!"  
  
"A good thing is, that the Great Pit of Cheese is just right next to the Shire, so we won't have to travel far." Gandalf informed.   
  
"Well, how are we going to have them fall in the pit?" Merry asked.   
  
"Tell them we're cooking macaroni and that we need some cheese. Then when we get to the pit, we push 'em in!" Pippin cried.   
  
"Perfect idea!" Merry gave Pippin a high five.   
  
The others though for a while and then said in unison "Hmm, maybe."  
  
Then Boromir got an idea. "We'll tell them that Legolas...and Frodo's favorite food is macaroni and cheese and that we have the macaroni but not the cheese. And if they lead us to some cheese, they shall get a free date with Legolas!"   
  
"Yeah! That'll work!" Everyone said.   
  
Boromir began to spurt blood again but this time it got in Merry's eye.   
  
"Ow! It stings!" Merry grabbed his eye.   
  
"Sorry! Sorry!" Boromir helped Merry wipe the blood off.   
  
"What about Frodo?" Legolas pointed to his side. "Why can't he get a free date?"   
  
"Stop complaining Mr. Legolas." Sam said. "You know girls can't resist your elvish charm."   
  
"That's true." Legolas smiled and stroked his hair.   
  
Gimli smacked him with the bottom of his axe.   
  
"Well, who's going out there to tell them?" Frodo asked.   
  
They all paused and then looked at Pippin.   
  
"Me??!!" 


	2. Pippin's Bowl of Macaroni

To Gravity 474- You are my first reviewer and I bow to you!!! Thank you!!  
  
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Pippin carefully opened the door and stepped out with a bowl of macaroni in his arm.   
  
"Where's Legolas?" one of the girls said.   
  
"Oh, we wanted to make macaroni and cheese, which, by the way is Legolas's favorite, and we don't have any cheese. Legolas, oh and Frodo too, would be awfully sad if they don't have any macaroni and cheese." He shook his head in disappointment. "Awfully sad."  
  
"Well, where are you going to look for cheese?" one girl asked.   
  
"I'm gonna ask the neighbors across from us." Pippin started to walk towards the house.   
  
"Wait!" another girl cried. "I know where some cheese is."   
  
"Really? Where?" Pippin pretended to be excited.   
  
"I hear Hugo Proudfoot has them on sale in his shop"   
  
Pippin's smile faded. "Anywhere else?"  
  
"Oo! The Great Pit of Cheese!" one cried.   
  
"Where's that?"  
  
"Birtha knows where it is. She can lead you there."   
  
"Yeah, if you do, you'll get a free date with Legolas!" Pippin cried.   
  
All the girls "Oo"ed.   
  
"Wait...Birtha? What kind of a name is Birtha?!" Pippin muttered to himself.   
  
"I will lead you there, only if you promise me this one thing." Birtha said.   
  
"And that is...?"  
  
"If you are sure that I will get a date with Legolas and maybe Frodo too. Cause I know if we fall in the pit, we will be destroyed forever and Legolas and Frodo can protect us." She smirked. "And maybe Aragorn as well."  
  
"Alright. Whatever you say." Pippin went back in Bag End with his bowl. "Let's go!" he cried.   
  
Everyone ran outside while Pippin was still in the doorway. Pippin fell to the floor while they all rushed out. He got up, dusted himself, and caught up with the others. Frodo and Legolas hid behind Gandalf.   
  
"What are they doing here?" Birtha asked a bit disgusted.   
  
"I don't trust you." Pippin said in a low voice.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Because I said so!" Pippin said louder.   
  
"Lead us now." Aragorn said, waiting to be impressed.   
  
The girls began to walk West. They walked through some forests and an occasionally cave every now and then. Then they walked up to the Swiss Gates.   
  
Some of the girls clinged to Legolas and Frodo. Sam pulled them all off.   
  
"Get off them! You'll contaminate them!"  
  
"Is there supposed to be a password?" Merry asked.   
  
"Mellon." Gandalf said quickly. The Swiss Gates did not open.   
  
"We're dealing with a dairy product here, not fruit." a girl cried.   
  
They all stared at her. Then, out of nowhere, Sam started to dance.   
  
"Swiss cheese, oh swiss cheese! How lovely you are on sandwiches! Oh swiss cheese, oh swiss cheese, open the gates right now!" Sam ended his dance with his arms up. The swiss gates cracked a little and then they opened up.   
  
They all stared at Sam in amazement.   
  
"Well, when you have talent..." Sam puffed his chest out and walked forward.   
  
They all went inside and walked until they came to the Great Pit of Cheese.   
  
Then all of the Fellowship snuck behind the Mary-Sues and started to push some in the pit. Some of the girls noticed and started to fight with them. Since they were Mary-Sues, they were perfect fighters.   
  
Gandalf struck his staff down like in the video games and it's power struck all the Mary-Sues and they fell. The hobbit's started kicking them into the pit. Gandalf, Boromir and Aragorn threw them and Legolas and Gimli rolled them into the pit. They got all but one in.   
  
Birtha remained standing punching her fist into her palm. Gandalf ran up to her and poked her with his staff. She pushed him and Gandalf fell to the floor. Boromir and Aragorn tried to stab her but she knocked them both out cold. Gimli tried to cut her head off but she pulled his beard and he flew and hit the wall.   
  
The hobbits tried attacking her legs but she kicked them off. Legolas stared at her.  
  
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Will she be destroyed? Will Legolas give up and marry her? Who knows and to some, who cares. Find out in the last final chapter! 


	3. Legolas's Dance

"I guess it's just you and me Legolas! I know you can't resist my beauty!"   
  
"Your name is horrible." Legolas said out of nowhere.   
  
"What?" She became angry.   
  
"Would you like to dance?" he quickly said with a plan in thought.   
  
"Oh, I would love to!!" she walked up to him and they started to dance.   
  
"I must admit, your skills impress me." Legolas was trying to manipulate her.  
  
Birtha blushed. (Author's Note: Ah, I'm sorry, it's just...ah...I can't stop laughing...this is really weird! I'm not used to writing stuff like that. Sorry, on with the story.)   
  
"You're a good dancer." she said smirking.   
  
"Would you like me to show you my "Kick"ster dance?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, of course!" She seemed impressed. His plan was working.  
  
He started to kick his legs left to right, front to back as if he was doing the doe-se-doe. She clapped as he danced, enjoying it. He then went behind her and kicked her butt. She screamed as she fell into the pit.   
  
"Sorry! My fault!" Legolas screamed down into the pit. He chuckled as he stood back up.  
  
The rest of the Fellowship just suddenly got up, as if nothing happened, and looked at Legolas.   
  
"She's gone. It's over. Let's go."   
  
As they left, they heard the Swiss Gates say, "This place will now self-destruct."   
  
And the Great Pit of Cheese self-destructed and was no longer in Middle-Earth.   
  
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"Well done, Legolas" Gandalf said patting Legolas's back.   
  
"Yes!! Now all the Mary-Sues are gone!!" Frodo exclaimed.   
  
"Oh no!" Pippin smacked his head.   
  
They all turned to him, expecting the worse.   
  
"No! There's another Mary-Sue still alive?" Boromir cried. His chest began to sprout blood yet again but it landed on Gimli's beard. Gimli didn't notice. He just stood there.  
  
Then he spurted some blood on Gandalf's robes.   
  
"Oh, come on, Boromir! I just washed these!" Gandalf started to wipe the blood away.   
  
"Back to me!" Pippin cried in a high-pitched voice. "Okay, I left the macaroni at the pit!"  
  
"The pit self-destructed. It went bye-bye!" Merry said.   
  
And Gimli just stood there with the blood spot on his beard. Aragorn went up to Boromir and put duct tape all over his chest, sick of him spurting blood on people.   
  
He then went up to Gimli, pointed at him and laughed.   
  
"What?" Gimli asked.   
  
"There's....there's....whoo!" Aragorn couldn't stop laughing. He began to snort. When Aragorn is snorting, it is a very humourous thing. "Blood....on...beard!" he finally got it out.   
  
Gimli sighed. "Another visit to the outhouse I suppose."  
  
Aragorn stopped laughing and stared at Gimli. "Wow, this must happen to you quite often."  
  
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I hope I made you laugh at least once! If so, thank you for a laughing! And I wouldn't mind if you hit the "Go" button next to "Submit Review". Hint hint, nudge nudge. 


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